I need your honest opinion on this story idea/ excerpt. PLEASE READ!!!!!!?

Question by live.love.laugh: I need your honest opinion on this story idea/ excerpt. PLEASE READ!!!!!!?
Ok so , at first i wrote this for NANOWRIMO but I really like this idea, would you consider reading a book if it had this on the back of the book? Give me critiques on writing style, idea, content that kind of stuff. I will be forever grateful and be honest!!!

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The clouds peaked between the few gaps of the tall trees, I knew it was getting late but I had this feeling that Ms. Tubbs the cat was close. I could hear the ringing of the bells on her collar. My conscience was screaming at me for being in the woods, alone, at night, late night.
I heaved a sigh, but I knew how much Ms. Tubbs meant for my mother, and especially at this time in her life, she couldn’t take another.. Death. Plus, I’m sure there were no serial killers lurking behind one of the old trees it just would be too coincidental. Ms Tubbs loved this clearing in the middle of the forest, she was probably there I thought to myself.
The wind rustled through the trees, emitting a scent of pines. I took a breath of fresh air it made me feel alive. The moon shone brightly on the clearing, my eyes were quickly scanning for a cat, but instead there was a figure?
Oh god, it was a serial killer, my luck is brilliant. I shook my head, as if that was a possibility. But for some reason I didn’t feel fear towards this mysterious stranger, but instead this unhealthy surge of curiosity.
I squatted behind a thick bush hoping that it would conceal my presence. My eyes widened as I examined this mysterious stranger. He was sitting on a large mossy rock , his worn black robe draped gracefully. He took off the hood, I gave an inaudible gasp. Strands of chocolate hair was glistening in the moon light, his face was the epitome of perfection his nose perfectly slanted, his hair framing his strikingly beautiful deep green eyes, they were contemplative as he delicately picked a daisy from the flower bed near his feet. It was wilted; the crisp brown color plagued the flower. His eyes were swirling with emotion, sadness? Frustration? Perhaps regret. It seemed that the whole entire flower bed was dead.
His other hand was holding up a large wooden rod with a curved blade at the top. The handle was a deep wood, the blade engraved with Veritas Inlustrat elegantly carved. It resembled very much of a scythe. I gave a small gasp, it was a scythe I moved my foot closer to get a better look.

Crunch—

He quickly turned to my direction. Adrenaline rushed through my veins, I held my breath. He gave a faint smile and murmured in a low silky voice “if only”.
He suddenly rose from the rock and looked up to the sky, another gust of wind rustled the trees. I looked up to the sky the brilliant moon was now covered with clouds. I felt a raindrop on my face. The rock was empty; I was alone in the bitter night. I arose from my hiding place. My limbs were frozen. I only heard the rustling of the wind and felt the cold rain drops splashing on my face. It started to rain harder. Who was he? He looked so familiar those eyes, so expressive yet so mysterious. The rain was now pouring, I began my quest to find Ms.Tubbs, I finally came to the cabin. Finally I thought to myself shelter.
Thanks so much Rose Elizebeth!! I was aiming for comments on the content itself and story line, i know my grammar/punctuation / spelling is horrible though. But thank you for looking it over

Best answer:

Answer by Rose_Elizabeth
Hmm… You need to use a lot more punctuation because some of this doesn’t make sense. Also paragraphs would be good to. I’ve done a bit of beta’ing work for Fanfiction so is it okay if I just edit this a bit? If you don’t like the way I’ve changed it then just keep it as it was, I don’t mind. Its okay at the moment, but not good. Here is the “beta’d” version:

x – x – x – x

The clouds peaked between the few gaps of the tall trees. I knew it was getting late, but I had this feeling that Ms. Tubbs the cat was close; I could hear the ringing of the bells on her collar. My conscience was screaming at me for being in the woods, alone, and at night – late night.

I heaved a sigh. I knew how much Ms. Tubbs meant to my mother, and especially at this time in her life, she couldn’t take another – I paused and swallowed – death. Plus, I’m sure there were no serial killers lurking behind one of the old trees. It just would be too coincidental if there were.

{ Ms Tubbs loved this clearing in the middle of the forest, she was probably there I thought to myself } (This line, I’m not sure if you actually need because it’s completely irrelevant to what you’ve just said, and it doesn’t seem to fit in with the paragraph).

The wind rustled through the trees, emitting a scent of pine. I took in a deep breath of fresh air – it made me feel alive. The moon shone brightly on the clearing. My eyes were quickly scanning for the cat, but, instead, they came across another figure. My heart dropped.

Oh god, it was a serial killer! My luck was brilliant. I shook my head. As if that were a possibility. That was when I noticed something. For some reason, I didn’t feel fear towards this mysterious stranger at all. Instead this unhealthy surge of curiosity.

I squatted behind a thick bush, hoping that it would conceal my presence. My eyes widened as I examined this mysterious stranger. He was sitting on a large mossy rock , his worn black robe draped gracefully across his figure. He took off the hood, and I gave an inaudible gasp.

Strands of chocolate hair was glistening in the moon light; his face was the epitome of perfection; his nose perfectly slanted. His hair framed strikingly beautiful deep green eyes; they were contemplative as he delicately picked a daisy from the flower bed near his feet.

It was wilted; the crisp brown colour plagued the flower. As he stared at it, his eyes swirled with emotion. Was it sadness I saw? Or possibly frustration? Perhaps it was regret. Then, I noticed something. It seemed that the whole entire flower bed was dead.

His other hand was holding up a large wooden rod with a curved blade at the top. The handle was a deep wood, the blade, engraved with Veritas Inlustrat, elegantly carved. It resembled very much of a scythe. I gave a small gasp – it was a scythe! I moved closer to get a better look.

Crunch!

He quickly turned to my direction. Adrenaline rushed through my veins, and I held my breath. He gave a faint smile. “If only,” he murmured in a silky voice.

He suddenly rose from the rock and looked up to the sky, another gust of wind rustled the trees. I looked up too, the brilliant moon was now covered with clouds. I felt a raindrop on my face. I quickly looked back towards the man, only to gasp. The rock was empty, and I was now alone in the bitter night. Slowly, I arose from my hiding place.

My limbs were frozen.

I could only hear the rustling of the wind, and the cold rain drops splashing on my face. It was starting to rain harder.

Who was he? I asked myself, staring at the rock. He had looked so familiar. Especially with those eyes; they had been so expressive, yet so mysterious.

The rain was now pouring down, and so I began my quest to find Ms.Tubbs again. I couldn’t find her though. After another hour of searching, I came across a cabin. Finally, I thought to myself, I’ve got shelter.

x – x – x – x

I hope you don’t mind me changing some of your story a bit – it’s exactly the same but different uses of punctuation, varied sentences, and added words here and there.

Rose

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